Seeya Summer

Seeya Summer

I guess the summer is already over. These Midwest summers are like phantoms- blink and you miss ’em. Even so, I feel like I was propelled through this one in particular at break neck speeds. I have never been so damned busy. I’ll be switching to 6 day work weeks soon, so it doesn’t seem my situation is likely to improve. Not till after the leaves have fallen, anyway. But I could certainly use the OT right now, so I won’t complain too much. The Etsy shop has been my only source of spending money lately and I don’t make very much. And as much as I enjoy my little arts and crafts, I really need to shift my focus back to writing.

I haven’t written all damn summer. And I get depressed when I don’t write. I should start small- aim to hit a really low daily word count but hit it every day, consistently. Even 200 words a day adds up over time. It’s all about getting back into the rhythm. And I have no rhythm right now. But as summer shifts to fall, I’m feeling inspired again.

I love fall. I want to make sure I enjoy it this year- do some really stereotypically fallish stuffs. I’m talking apple cider, hay rides, pumpkin patches- the whole caboodle. And, of course, I’m stoked for Halloween. I just need to make a couple more Etsy sales and I’ll have enough to buy the last piece of my costume. (Beetlejuice this year!)

Speaking of that- anyone want to buy a lil’ clay dood?? I mean, if you do, they’re right over here. ;)

clay guys

Other time sinks include reading for book club, (good!) playing Warcraft classic, (very bad, shame on me) and hanging out with Kitty! (best use of time, best cat) Got a few cool things on the horizon but I’ll talk about them as they come. For now, I just want to get back on track. Recalibrated. Focused! We’ll see if I succeed.

Life is Weird

Life is Weird

I started the day by waking up at a quarter to four in tears. I had another dream about my Dad. I was speaking to him on some strange little speaker, and the sound kept going in and out, so much so that I wasn’t sure if he was hearing me. But I loved hearing him. He sounded happy. I’m getting teary-eyed just trying to recount it and I’m heartbroken that the finer details of the dream are already fading away, as dreams always do. When the transmission went out, I tried to call him back and got some strange automated message, something about the recipient having moved on.

I’ll probably never move on. Something I’m sure everyone who’s lost a parent can relate to, young or old. I got out of bed and washed the dishes just for something mindless to do, to settle down before I tried to go back to sleep. On the way back to bed, I stopped in the living room and stood beneath the little black chest that holds his ashes. I stared at the ceiling and wished I could tell him how much I missed him. I had the same old wistful thought- that I should have used the time we had better. I went back to my room and crawled back under the covers. Kitty was right on my heels and curled up next to me, purring. We’ve only had Kitty for a week and already I adore her so much. She’s such a good cat. Such a comfort.

So I’m in a weird head-space today. I feel tired and bleary-eyed and heartsick but on the other hand, the rest of my life is so happy. The summer has finally bloomed, rainy and hot with so many fun things in store. Work is going well. I have a costume half-finished for Renn Faire this weekend and the day off tomorrow to wrap up preparations, which is exciting to me. So strange how life can run such a simultaneous spectrum of sorrow and joy. Guess that’s an obvious observation, but I feel it very acutely today.

Sorry this update is a little weird. Just felt good to write it all out.

kitty

Making Time

Making Time

Happy Spring!

If it would only stop raining already it might be half-way decent out. Not that it matters- I’ve been too busy to enjoy the weather yet. Or much of anything else, for that matter. But I think that’s about to change. I have a couple more weeks left of working six days before I get my second day off back. It’s amazing what a critical difference having a second day off makes in my work-life-hobby balancing act. If I’m busy on Saturday, as I have been for the last couple weeks, I fall behind on everything else. My house is an absolute train wreck right now and it really effects my psyche. Going to burn my day off this week on deep cleaning and doing some long overdue organizing/throwing shit out. I like to have a clean slate when I start to get overwhelmed so I know that will help. My other two goals for the week are to get my Etsy shop updated (I have a batch of stuff already made that just needs to get listed- a more time consuming process than you might think) and edit the few pics I managed to get from Acen. (photo drop coming soon!)

I’m happy I made it down for Saturday of the con this year but, as always, I have a couple regrets. Once again, I really wish I got more pictures. I’m not sure how to rectify this without really changing my entire approach to conventions. If I want to get more pictures, and better quality pictures, I probably need to stake out places with better backdrops, away from the crowds, where I can really take my time. This means I need to break away from my friends and do my own thing (at least for part of the time) and I’ve NEVER done that. Cons have always been something I experience with a close friend group first and foremost. But, especially now that I don’t drink anymore, maybe that’s something to consider? I feel like my not drinking does have a noticeable impact on how I meld with my friend group and has changed how I experience conventions. Still, I don’t know. I have some more thinking to do on the whole thing and I know I don’t have to come up with any sort of definitive answer anytime soon. There were always be more cons and I can dabble with how I approach them as I go.

Speaking of changes, I want to switch up my focus going forward. For the past month or two, I’ve been spending all my spare time on crafting. While it’s definitely been fun and rewarding, and I certainly want to do more (especially with clay- I just started getting into making polymer clay charms and I really want to try some more) I think it’s time to shift my energy back to writing and editing instead. I like crafting and it’s a fun way to spend my time but, since I have so little of it to spend, I really need to get back on track if I want to finish anytime soon. And I really really do.

To a lesser degree, I also want to get back to spending time on non-productive hobbies. I haven’t sat down and just binged out on a video game or anything like that in months. Which, if you knew me, you’d know is incredibly strange. I think I have been consumed with this idea that I have to spend every moment of my time creating something. It’s a pitfall I’ve seen echoed amongst many other folks my age- especially (though not always) other creative types. That all our hobbies need to be monetized, that if we don’t have something to show for the time we spend, that time is wasted. It’s an unhealthy mindset, one that my boyfriend noticed I was starting to slip into when he pointed out how stressed I was getting over making stuff for my little shop. The shop is and always will be just for fun. I don’t really make a profit from it- it’s just a way to make back some of the money I have into materials and to find homes for the things I make rather than amassing a hoard of trinkets I don’t need. But it’s not a job- it was never meant to be. And if I start stressing over it like a job, then I’ve really lost the plot. I mean, I’m happy I’m spending my free time productively. There was a time in my earlier twenties where I would play games in excess- they consumed my life and left room for little else. I’m happy to have moved on from that but now the pendulum has swung too far in the other direction. I want to find time to enjoy things just for the experience they give- just for how they enrich my life and give me a break from making.  It’s always a struggle to find harmony in my life, something I’m sure I have in common with many others. Yet, even if things are still a little out of balance, I cannot claim to be unhappy. I’m far from that.

Wishing you all luck in overcoming your own struggles, whatever they may be!

Keep on Keepin’ On

Keep on Keepin’ On

Long time no meaningless rambling! I’ve been keeping pretty busy. Still working six day weeks but, as we’ve finally hired another coordinator, the end is in sight. Well, kind of. We’re also going into (one of) the busy times so maybe I’ll get a second day off again by like… June? But I really can’t complain about the much needed OT. Finally making some progress in paying off my debt!

Other than work work (zug zug) I’ve been keeping busy busting out little resin crafts for my Etsy store. And I’ve started making a few sales! I don’t expect to make any real profit off this enterprise but I really enjoy making stuff and selling it is weirdly fun. At the very least, the money I make can help pay for new materials so I can make more things. In fact, I just made enough in sales that I could afford to buy a couple D20 dice molds. I can’t wait to try my hand at dice making! Even if they won’t work for play (I have no idea if they’ll be balanced or not) I can at least use them for jewelry. So excited!

If you like what you see, my Etsy shop is here. ;)

My other motivation through this constant tinkering is I’m hoping to create a habit of creative behavior. One that will carry over when I start getting back into editing. I’ve begun to chip away at it here and there in what few spare moments I can. But, boy, are they few and spare. Still, the itch is there again to get this story told already. And in that nagging, an often repeated question has resurfaced: what to do when it’s done.  For the last year or so, I was dead set on getting it ready to shop out to agents in the pursuit of traditional publishing. And I still want to, just to see what happens. But I’m also thinking about just posting it online again. I mean, it would be awesome to see some money back after all the time I’ve sunk into this project but that was never the main reason for writing. More than anything, I just want a readership. Any I know there are a lot of sites and other platforms where I think I could get at least a small pool of readers. I still think it would be silly not to throw it out to at least a few agents, just to see, but I’m becoming so impatient. I just want to get this in front of people! I want to share it and talk about it! Any other writers have this problem? Anyone have any experience posting on like fictionpress or wattpad or something similar?

Other than finishing this ding dang novel, I am aching to start taking pictures again. Just need the weather to improve. Any good cons coming up in the Midwest? I think I’ll hit Acen on Saturday.  And I’m going to Gen Con in August after a TEN year absence so I’m pumped for that. Anything I’m missing or may not know about??

Summer’s right around the corner! Or that’s what I’m telling myself anyway. ^^;;

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I’m equal parts excited about some of the progress I’ve made and frustrated that I haven’t made more. I’m not where I hoped I would be at this point, both in my writing and my other creative endeavors. And I have to acknowledge that a big part of that is due to a major interruption in my life- I got knocked off the rails by a huge personal loss that I don’t feel comfortable addressing quite yet in this format. That aside, I still need to be better at staying on task and keeping myself motivated.

As far as my writing goes, I’m unexpectedly having a lot of trouble with beta readers. I’ve sent my WIP to about six friends and only two have gotten back to me. Though I’ve gotten positive feedback from the two that did read it, I’m feeling down about the others… I kind of wish they’d just turned me down rather than let me send them something this personal and not hear anything back. I know they’re really busy and I’m asking for a lot of their time- that’s why whenever I do ask, I try to make it abundantly clear that I totally understand if they don’t have time for this right now. But to hear nothing makes me worry that my writing is so crappy it doesn’t even warrant a critique. I’m sure this is just my anxiety talking and they probably just got busy and forgot but it still stings.  And I don’t have a remedy for that.

On a more positive note, I got my sewing machine going and made my first little project. img_1848img_1850It’s a dice bag! I want to make more. I’m flirting with the idea of making a bunch of little projects like this and opening up an Etsy store? I wouldn’t be selling them for much but it would be a fun way to make a little pocket money and get some practice with the machine. Haven’t decided if it’s worth doing yet but we’ll see.

I’m also a little behind on my cosplay progress but now I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to go to some of the cons I had planned. Money has become an issue (well, a bigger issue) as of late. I was already a little overextended in buying the supplies I need for these costumes and then my personal issues created additional expenses that I wasn’t super prepared for. But we’ll see. I’m trying not to be down about it- I might still come up with the money and, it not, there’s always next year. Kind of a bummer though. Why does everything cost money and why do I never have any?! (story of everyone’s life, I’m sure)

Ending on a positive- I just finished listening to The Adventure Zone: Balance and I don’t even have the words to express how infatuated and impressed I am. TAZ has been the following light for me during this period of extreme darkness and I am so grateful to the McElroys for gifting it to the world. I’m not even being dramatic- it’s that good. I’m fully planning on cosplaying Taako this year since I know I’ll at least make it to the Ren Faire. I’ll post some pictures once I’ve made more progress on it.

Anyway…things will turn around soon, I’m sure. The worst is behind me now.

A little bit of everything: some of it good, some of it… less good

A little bit of everything: some of it good, some of it… less good

I don’t have any real definitive theme for this post, which I typically like to avoid less this become nothing more than a public journal. But it’s been too long since I last updated and if I don’t get something up I run the risk of letting it go dormant again. I want to at least keep the blog alive through the summer. (which I assume will be easier since the warm weather will bring with it interesting activities to write about) So I guess this update will be a bit of a potpourri, slice-of-life style entry.

Things I’m currently excited about:

  • The new seasons of FLCL finally got a trailer and definitive release dates aaaaaaaand Haruko’s English voice actor is back! (I know that was already announced but hearing her voiceover was just, man– I got chills) FLCL is probably my all-time favorite anime so I am beyond excited. I’ll probably have to wear my Haruko cosplay again sometime this year and then maybe after the new seasons I’ll look at building one of her new outfits? Anyway, I haven’t been properly excited about an anime release in a long time so this is really, really cool. (fooly cool you might even say, right? Aaaayyyyy! I’ll…I’ll see myself out)
  • I joined my first proper D&D group! It’s a girls group comprised of close friends so it’s the perfect setting for comfortably getting back into the game. I played a little one-off scenario a few weeks ago to kind of reacquaint myself with the mechanics and I am excited to get into a proper campaign and an invested character. I rolled a Tiefling Cleric who is Neutral Good and I’m making her super nicey-nice (think Starfire from Teen Titans) cause I think that’ll be a fun style of roleplaying. The campaign starts in a couple of weeks so I’m sure I’ll have another post or two coming about that.
  • Related to that- I just started listening to The Adventure Zone podcast and I am kicking myself for not taking people’s recommendations sooner. It is hilarious– I highly recommend it even if you’ve never played D&D and have no interest in roleplaying- It’s that charming.

Thing’s I’m currently frustrated about:

  • There’s that old adage that you either have the time or the money but never both, so I feel like it’s especially unfair that I have neither. Through a combination of some unexpected expenses and my ill-advised purchasing of little odds & ends that I can’t afford, I am cut off from using my credit card until it’s back under control. Not a huge deal as I have plenty to keep me busy in the meantime but it does suck being so SO broke.
  • And then, somehow, I’ve found myself back in that gross purgatory of having so much I want to do and seemingly no time in which to do it. I have a book I need to read for book club that I haven’t even started (the meeting is in a week and a half) called Little Fires Everywhere, still haven’t circled back around to finish reading The Wise Man’s Fear, desperately want to get ahead in Monster Hunter since I am lightyears behind all my friendos, and I haven’t made any progress on my novel in damn near a month now. My days off have been occupied and after work I haven’t had the energy to really get going on anything. Plus I feel bad ignoring the boyfriend when he doesn’t have any projects of his own and wants to hang out- that time is sacred and comes before most other things.

But I know this is a normal part of the weekly/monthly cycle and I’ll be back on track soon enough; this is just the normal ebb and flow of all things and I need to be patient and remain optimistic. Summer will be here soon!

Speaking of summer, I’m dying for it to get warm and for everything to turn green again so I can start practicing with my camera! I want to get a better feel for it so I can decide whether it’s worth investing in a better lenses. (when I have money again) Also I’ve decided I’ll probably go down to Acen this year for Saturday only, and since I won’t be cosplaying (wouldn’t want to try that without a room) I want to focus on taking pictures. So, excited about that! Then, depending on funds, I may build Sesshomaru for Anime Midwest in July or just plan to have it done for Daisho in November. I’m not in any rush since I have plenty to rewear. Cannot wait!

IMG_4792