Well, February has come and gone and I’ve fallen miserably short of my lofty 20,000 word goal, rounding out the month with a measly 8k. It probably goes without saying but I’m incredibly disappointed with myself.
I know dwelling and stressing won’t help, and with the start of a new month, I have another chance to live up to my own expectations. And I know I’m capable! The problem is frustratingly simple: I don’t write every day. If I did, I would hit my goal with ease.
For example, I’m aiming to hit 15k by the end of March which, when broken down into little bite-sized chunks, means I’m only writing around 500 words a day. Super manageable. Very doable. Until I start missing days. Then those bite-sized chunks turn into choking hazards. I reach the end of a long work day and I don’t feel like writing; I promise myself I’ll do double tomorrow to make up for it. Then tomorrow’s work day is longer and I’m daunted by the larger word count so I avoid it another day. And that’s how I end up with a freakin’ 8k total when it should be 20!
Exasperated, I vented about this toxic cycle to a non-writer friend and they seemed confused. “I thought you loved writing? Why are you always avoiding it?” It’s hard to explain, because it really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. I do love writing! I’m also terrified of it. There’s nothing scarier than an empty page. I just want what’s in my head to magically appear on the lines before me and I know that’s not how it works. I’m going to write a mountain of crap that will have to be pared, plucked, and polished before it comes even close to resembling what I set out to create. And that’s how it’s supposed to work! But when you’re a perfectionist with a crippling fear of failure (and in my experience, most writers are) some days it feels easier to just flip on the TV, surf the web, or even stare at the wall than face that fear and get that crappy first draft on paper.
The solution? Self-discipline. And let me tell you, I don’t have much. With only personal deadlines to meet and only myself to disappoint, it’s far too easy to blow off a writing session in favor of something more relaxing.
That’s where accountability comes in. I need to rely on my friends and family to get on my case and start checking up on me. If they see me with 3DS in hand, nose in a comic, or hiding behind a laptop (one that’s emitting decidedly non-writing noises) they need to ask me, “Hey! Did you write today?” And the answer better be yes! And, when they’re not watching, I need to start asking myself that question. And answering it, honestly. Otherwise, I’m only bound for more failure.